Location: Dr. No’s underground lair — a sleek, sterile dining chamber lit like a villain’s dental office.
INT. DR. NO’S DINING HALL – NIGHT
Maxwell Smart is escorted in by two guards wearing radiation badges and expressions of deep regret. Max walks with the stiff confidence of a man who has no idea where he is but refuses to admit it.
He stops at the long dining table, sees the elaborate place setting, and immediately picks up the wrong fork.
MAX
Ah. The shrimp fork. A classic intimidation tactic.
A calm, resonant voice echoes from behind him.
DR. NO (O.S.)
I assure you, Mr. Smart… the cutlery is not meant to intimidate.
Max spins around, nearly tripping over his own chair.
Dr. No enters with the slow, theatrical precision of a man who practices his entrances. His metal hands gleam under the lights.
MAX
Dr. No, I presume. Or should I say… Dr. Negative.
DR. NO
You should not.
Max nods, as if he expected that.
MAX
How about… Dr. Maybe?
Dr. No stares at him, unblinking.
DR. NO
Sit.
Max sits. The chair immediately sinks three inches lower than expected. He pretends this was intentional.
Dr. No takes his seat at the opposite end of the table. A servant pours wine. Max swirls his glass, sniffs it, and then gargles it like mouthwash.
Dr. No’s eye twitches.
DR. NO
You are not at all what I anticipated from CONTROL.
MAX
That’s what they all say. Usually right before I foil their evil plan.
DR. NO
You believe you can foil my plan?
MAX
Would you believe… delay it slightly?
Dr. No steeples his metal fingers, producing a faint metallic clink.
DR. NO
My work is beyond your comprehension. I am on the verge of altering the balance of global power.
MAX
Funny. I once altered the balance of global power by accidentally unplugging a vending machine.
Dr. No blinks. Twice.
DR. NO
Tell me, Mr. Smart… how did you find my island?
MAX
Oh, that was easy. I followed the suspicious radio signals, the trail of missing scientists, and the giant “KEEP OUT OR ELSE” sign on the beach.
DR. NO
That sign was meant to deter intruders.
MAX
Well, it worked on everyone except me.
Dr. No leans forward.
DR. NO
You are either incredibly brave… or incredibly foolish.
MAX
I get that a lot.
Dr. No rises, pacing with slow, deliberate steps.
DR. NO
You meddle in forces you cannot understand. My reactor is a masterpiece of precision. One wrong move could destroy us all.
Max nods solemnly.
MAX
Then it’s a good thing I’m known for my precision.
He immediately knocks over his water glass.
MAX
That was a test. You passed.
Dr. No closes his eyes, inhaling deeply.
DR. NO
You could be useful, Mr. Smart. Join me. I could use a man with your… unpredictability.
MAX
Sorry, I’m loyal to CONTROL. And also I don’t work well with people who have metal hands. They leave fingerprints on everything.
DR. NO
I do not leave fingerprints.
MAX
See? Already a problem.
Dr. No slams his metal hand on the table — a loud, echoing CLANG.
DR. NO
Enough! You will not leave this island alive.
Max stands, adjusting his tie with exaggerated confidence.
MAX
Would you believe… I already left?
DR. NO
No.
MAX
Would you believe… I’m leaving right now?
DR. NO
Also no.
MAX
Would you believe… I’m thinking about leaving?
Dr. No gestures to the guards.
DR. NO
Take him to the reactor chamber. I want him to see the brilliance of my work… before it destroys him.
Max is escorted out.
He turns back to Dr. No.
MAX
Just so you know — I’m not afraid. I’ve faced KAOS agents, double agents, triple agents, and once a very angry poodle.
Dr. No watches him go, baffled.
DR. NO
How has this man survived this long?
Fade out.
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